A Partner’s Journey through Sex Addiction – Part 5 – Moving forward together

Welcome to the final blog in our five-part series on the partner’s journey through sex addiction. Over the past few months, we’ve walked through some of the most painful, confusing and transformative stages that partners face after the discovery of sex or porn addiction. If you’ve just joined us, here’s a quick recap of the journey so far:

• Part 1 explored the many ways partners discover sex addiction, and the emotional shock that often follows.
• Part 2 focused on immediate self-care and how to begin stabilising yourself after disclosure.
• Part 3 looked at identifying emotional triggers and setting strong, protective boundaries.
• Part 4 examined the incredibly difficult question: Should I stay or should I leave?

This time, we turn to the next step in the journey – rebuilding your relationship and moving forward together.

Please note that this blog is aimed at those who have chosen to stay in the relationship, and it also assumes that you have read the previous 4 blogs.

Maintaining individual recoveries

A helpful analogy often used in therapy involves two semi-detached houses. Each person in the relationship lives in one of the homes which are connected but separate. And behind each house is a private garden.

These gardens represent your individual recovery journeys.

The partner who is in recovery from sex addiction tends to their garden by going to therapy or 12-step groups, understanding and managing their triggers and staying accountable to their recovery plan. Their work may also include learning new skills or reconnecting with healthy interests.

The partner impacted by the addiction works in their own garden by healing from betrayal trauma, learning to set emotional and relational boundaries and nurturing their physical and emotional wellbeing.

A low fence separates the gardens – low enough to see over but not to climb through. You can observe how your partner’s garden is doing and even offer gentle feedback (e.g. “It looks like the grass might need a trim”), but it’s not your job to do their mowing. Each person is responsible for maintaining their own recovery space.

Once both back gardens are tended to with care and consistency, you can begin focusing on the shared front garden – the space you work on together as a couple.

Growing and healing as a couple

The front garden is where your relationship lives and after the impact of addiction, this space often needs serious attention. Some areas may require a full redesign, while others might just need a little weeding.

It’s important to recognise that your relationship may still have strong foundations, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. Many couples discover that their connection had deep strengths before the addiction came to light – strengths that can support the rebuilding process.

But just like the back gardens, the front garden requires regular care, honesty and patience. The work can be challenging, but it can also be deeply rewarding.

In my book, Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples, I outline 10 guiding principles that couples in recovery often live by. These principles offer a foundation for growth, healing and renewed connection:

1. They blame the addiction, not each other
2. They commit to rebuilding trust and developing deeper intimacy
3. They each take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviours
4. They each meet their own recovery needs to become whole and grounded individuals
5. They seek support from others in their personal recovery
6. They support one another in their recovery journeys
7. They practice empathy for each other’s pain and experience
8. They respect one another’s boundaries and healing pace
9. They remain honest, even when it’s hard
10. They choose to give each other the benefit of the doubt

Committing to these principles takes courage. It’s not about perfection, it’s about showing up, day after day, with a willingness to keep growing. With time, consistency, and shared effort, your relationship can evolve into something even more intimate, honest and healthy than before.

And if you choose not to stay together…

While this blog has focused on rebuilding a relationship, not all couples choose that path and that’s okay. Some relationships come to a natural and respectful end. People can and do rebuild their lives after separation or divorce. Families reshape and new beginnings are possible.

If you’ve come to the conclusion that ending the relationship is what’s best for you, know that this too can be part of a healing journey.

Conclusion

Rebuilding and moving forward after sex addiction is never linear. There will be setbacks, breakthroughs, and days when you question everything. But if both partners are committed to healing – individually and together – recovery is possible.

Thank you for following this series. We hope it’s brought clarity, comfort, and a sense of solidarity during this incredibly difficult time. You are not alone, and whatever your next step is, you deserve support, peace and a future that feels safe and fulfilling.

Additional resources

For a comprehensive guide on how to manage and survive this difficult time, why not take a look at our new Pivotal For Partners course. One recent user gave this feedback:

“You will be grateful to have listed to and done this course. It is so validating. So many times as I was listening, I thought ‘how could you know I’d be feeling like that’ which is super helpful to know I am not alone in the way I have reacted or felt. It’s worth it, you’re worth it.”

Dr Paula Hall’s books:

Sex Addiction: The Partner’s Perspective

Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples