Why connection with others is key to recovery from sex and porn addiction

In previous blogs, we’ve covered the first 4 steps of the CHOICE Recovery Model: challenging core beliefs, having a vision, overcoming compulsive behaviours and identifying positive sexuality. In this blog, we’re going to look at the 5^th step which is connecting with others.

Rat Park, addiction and connection

Have you ever heard of the famous Rat Park experiment conducted by psychologist, Bruce Alexander, in the late 70’s? In a nutshell, the experiment involved exposing a group of rats to two drinking bottles: one of pure water and one laced with drugs. In earlier versions of the experiment, solitary rats would be able to choose and almost every time, they favoured the drug-laced water, often to the point of overdose and death. In Bruce Alexander’s version, he had an alternative environment for some of the rats, famously coined “Rat Park.” Now in comparison to the dull, isolated cages of some of the rats, this rat park cage was a veritable feast of stimulation. These rats had toys to play with, tasty food, a larger cage and crucially, they had a community of other rats to interact with. In Rat Park, almost all the other rats preferred the pure water and of those who did occasionally use the drugged bottle, none of them drank from it compulsively. The conclusion drawn was that if you change the environment and provide community, addiction is far less likely to exist.

So why am I talking about this and how does this help those struggling with sex or porn addiction? Aren’t humans a little more complex than rats!? Of course, this is true, and it would be far more complicated to build a human version of Rat Park tailored to each individual. But nonetheless, it does demonstrate that addiction is about so much more than biology and when we feel connected, valued and engaged in our lives, addiction loses its power.

Why connect when trying to beat porn addiction?

As a species, humans have always needed each other to survive and thrive, and science has told us multiple times that human attachment and connection is integral to good mental health. It is only within the presence of others that we can gain a true and accurate sense of ourselves. Our relationships are like mirrors within which we have a chance to see in ourselves what others see. Some of that might be uncomfortable, but it can be encouragement to change, and hopefully much of it will be positive and strengthen self-esteem, reduce feelings of shame and reinforce our own lovability. It is only within relationships that we can experience a sense of sameness and belonging; knowing that others are just like us and that we are ‘normal’. Conversely, it is within relationships that we can also learn about our uniqueness, the ways that we differ, our strengths and our weaknesses. We can learn alternative views of seeing and being in the world that can both challenge us and encourage us to grow.

When it comes to addiction, the impact of shame cannot be understated and perhaps even more so when it comes to sexual behaviours. But one of the greatest benefits of connecting with others during your recovery journey is just how effective it is at breaking down that shame and stigma. It is why group work in therapy as well as peer support groups have such a good track record of getting people into recovery long-term.

How can I connect?

• Couple relationships/Partners

For many people, their romantic partner is the most important relationship in their lives and if that relationship is secure and fulfilling, it can have the greatest influence on successful life-long recovery. Of course, the discovery of sex or porn addiction can push even the healthiest of relationships to breaking point but they can indeed survive (see our “helping your partner” blog). But it’s important to remember that despite the romantic, idealistic messages we see in Valentine’s Day cards, our partners cannot be everything to us. It is not reasonable to expect one person to meet all our relational needs and so we need other connections to depend on.

• Friends and family

Different types of friendships can be extremely valuable in recovery. Having a best friend to confide in provides a space to share struggles and victories and receive encouragement, as well as a place where you can escape from your own problems for a while and listen to theirs. Other friends may know nothing about the addiction, but they are equally valuable as a place for relaxation and fun that provide well earned respite in the early stages of recovery as well as creating a healthier lifestyle.

Family is always a little more complex because as they say, you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family. This is very true, and family means different things to different people. But whatever our family dynamic, we’ll inevitably feel closer to some members more than others and it may be possible to share at least some of our struggles with them. One of the harshest realities of addiction is that the secrecy and shame which often accompanies it tends to separate families and push them apart. This is particularly true of the parent-child relationship. As the shame increases, the sense of hypocrisy grows and parents with addiction often find themselves withdrawing more and more from intimate connection with their children. But recovery provides an opportunity to strengthen those relationships again and be fully present around those we love.

• Therapeutic recovery group work

If you’re considering the therapy-route, there are some wonderful recovery group courses available from therapy practices. Many users of these groups have reported their recovery accelerating in ways they’d never experienced in individual therapy, all because of the shared sense of community and what they learned from other members. If your addiction stems from some form of attachment issues, group work can be life-changing and indeed, those who most dread the idea of group work are often the ones who will benefit from it the most as it helps to heal those attachment wounds.

• Peer support groups

If therapy isn’t a possibility for you, there are also free peer support groups available like 12-step meetings. Now it’s important to highlight that these fellowships vary hugely and whilst some can seem conservative and generally less sex-positive, there are many that are not and they do not take an abstinence-based approach to recovery. There is also a well-known spiritual element to 12-step meetings due to their origins in Christianity back in the 1950’s, but today this is a very fluid concept and indeed, many fellowships include atheists. There will be much knowledge and wisdom within these groups and like therapeutic recovery groups, they provide a safe space to break through isolation and shame, and experience both receiving and giving validation and support.

The irony of addictive behaviours is that they are so often used to ease the pain of loneliness and isolation, but they actually create more. The secrecy and shame of being dependent on porn, betraying a loved one or being unable to have sex without drugs or alcohol results in avoiding intimacy rather than creating it and nurturing it. When we can connect with others and build relationships where our needs are met, not only can we feel supported in recovery, but we begin to heal the wounds that cause and maintain the addiction.

If you’re struggling with compulsive sexual behaviours but you’re not sure whether Pivotal Recovery is the right course for you, why not try our free taster session.