Learning the Art of Mindful Masturbation

Exercise 1- General body awareness

To get you started, you should try and do this exercise at least 3 times a week for a couple of weeks before moving on to exercise 2. Before you begin, switch off the phone and if there are other household members around, tell them you are not to be disturbed. This is your time – protect it.

First make sure you have plenty of hot water and your bathroom is nice and warm.

When you’re ready, begin by running yourself a bath. (If you don’t have a bath, a shower will do). Choose your favourite bath foam or oil. Now step in and relax.

Focus on enjoying the warmth of the water on your skin. Notice whether you feel the temperature differently on different parts of your body. How does moving the water around over your body feel? Now, using your hands or a sponge and soap if you wish, begin to clean your body all over. Notice the different textures of your skin and the areas that feel most sensitive to your touch. Do different touches liven you up or relax you?  For a little while longer, continue to just enjoy the sensations of the water. If your mind begins to wander, just gently bring it back to the present moment.

When you have finished your bath or shower get dried using a warm towel. Focus on how it feels to dry yourself. Does your body prefer being rubbed softly or hard?  What about patting yourself dry? Maybe the feelings are different on different parts of your body. Take your time – dry each part of your body in turn – even in-between your toes.  When you have finished, think about how you feel. Relaxed? Invigorated?  Pampered? If you feel guilty or silly having spent so much time on yourself, remind yourself that you are rewiring your brain and creating a new map of sensory touch.  Remember also what your goal is, to reclaim your sensuality and sexuality from its dependence on porn.

Exercise 2- Increasing receptivity to touch

Begin by repeating Exercise 1. When your body is dry, choose a favourite body lotion – you may prefer unperfumed or you could choose an oil. Now, smooth the lotion into your skin starting at your face and working slowly down to your toes.

Consider what kind of touch different parts of your body enjoys. Experiment with different pressure and different strokes. Notice what direction of stroke your body prefers. Also take some time to become aware of different body temperatures, for example you’ll probably find that your chest is warmer than your calves. Notice also the varying textures of your skin and varying hair coverage. Move your hands down now to focus more specifically on your lower abdomen, hips, buttocks and inner thighs. Experiment with different types of touch. Become aware of what pressure and strokes feel most comfortable to you?

Now focus on your genital area and take your time. Remember that the purpose of the exercise is to become more aware of the sensation of touch. You may find yourself getting aroused or you may not – it doesn’t matter. First, feel the texture of your pubic hair. Run your fingers over the most sensitive areas, your penis and scrotum, or your labia and clitoris. Notice the different textures of the skin. Notice the different temperatures. Can you feel a change in temperature as you continue to touch? As before, if your mind wanders, gently bring it back. Don’t judge yourself harshly, this is a new skill and it will take time.

When you have finished, hopefully you will have learnt some new things about yourself – or confirmed things you already knew. How do you feel emotionally? Are you relaxed, stimulated?

Exercise 3 – genital arousal

First repeat exercises 1 and 2 – but this time you don’t need to spend quite so much time focussing on the other areas of your body. Just spend long enough to make sure you are feeling relaxed and focussed.

Now spend some time touching your lower abdomen, hips and buttocks in a way that you already know your body enjoys. Begin to move slowly towards your genitals and explore. Try different types of touching. Different pressures. Different lengths of strokes. Different directions. Be aware of which stokes and touches are most sensitive. Take your time and learn as much as you can. Most people find it easier to stay focussed if they watch what they’re doing

If you become aroused, use the chance to note any changes taking place. Arousal makes you feel warmer and sometimes flushes can be seen in the chest and neck.  The colour changes may only be obvious on fair skin. If you do feel yourself getting aroused, getting an erection or beginning to lubricate, do you know what touch produced it and what touch maintains it? If you don’t get aroused, don’t worry about it. You can either choose to continue, or if your mind is wandering, go and do something else.

If your arousal is increasing and you would like to experience orgasm, stay focussed on the sensations in your genitals and throughout your body.  Is your breathing getting heavier? Can you notice the kind of touch that gets you closer to the tipping point, and the kind of touch that keeps it at bay? Take your time, keep focussed. You may find yourself getting frustrated if it’s taking longer than usual, but this is totally normal. If you begin to lose arousal, don’t worry, you can either repeat the exercise another day or return to the kind of touch that you have already learnt that stimulates you.

Remember, the goal of these exercises is to retrain your brain (and your genitals) to respond to touch, rather than to porn. Not only will this allow you to enjoy porn-free and fantasy-free solo sex, but it will also help you to stay fully present with a partner and increase your bodies’ responsiveness to their touch. If you’re still struggling in spite of being porn free and using these exercises, you might find it beneficial to book some sessions with a sex therapist who can tailor make the exercises for your individual needs.