A Partner’s Journey through Sex Addiction – Part 4 – Should I stay or should I go?

Welcome to Week 4 of our blog series on the partner’s journey through sex addiction. This week, we’re exploring one of the most difficult questions to answer when faced with a partner’s sex addiction – should I stay in the relationship, or should I go?

If you’re just joining us, here’s a quick recap of the journey so far:

• Week 1 explored the different ways partners discover sex or porn addiction, and the initial emotional impact
• Week 2 focused on self-care – how to look after yourself in the days and weeks following discovery or disclosure
• Week 3 looked at how to begin rebuilding your life by understanding emotional triggers and setting boundaries

Now, we turn to the next step – deciding whether to stay in the relationship or walk away.

Give yourself time

Before making any big decisions, it’s crucial that you give yourself time. Many partners of sex addicts are in long-term relationships, and you may share a home, a history, finances, and children. You may have experienced years of closeness or happiness before your partner’s sex addiction came to light.

It’s important to allow space to reflect on all aspects of the relationship – not just the betrayal or trauma. This process takes time, and that’s okay.

You also need time to begin healing from the shock of discovery and to observe whether your partner is showing real signs of recovery. Try not to rush the decision as clarity often arrives slowly, after the initial emotions have settled.

Living with someone in recovery from sex or porn addiction

If your partner is actively working on their recovery, you may begin to see positive changes. Recovery is a long-term process – not a quick fix – but certain behaviours can signal that your partner is committed to change.

Relationships can and do survive sex addiction when both people are committed to recovery.

Here are some key signs to look for in a partner’s recovery journey:

• They are learning to identify their triggers for compulsive sexual behaviour
• They have a clear plan in place to manage those triggers
• They stick to an accountability contract and take it seriously
• They engage with regular support – such as therapy, 12-step programmes or group work
• They are working to understand the underlying causes of their addiction
• They communicate their needs – physical, emotional and relational – clearly and respectfully.
• They acknowledge the pain their actions have caused and show a willingness to help you heal

If you read this list and thought, “I’m not seeing any of this,” that’s important. Talk with your partner. Share what actions you need to see in order to start rebuilding trust. These expectations can often form the foundation of an accountability contract.

Creating an accountability contract

An accountability contract is a clear and practical agreement which sets boundaries that support both your partner’s recovery and your peace of mind. It’s not about punishment – it’s about safety, clarity and trust.

Your partner should take the lead in creating this contract. They need to understand their triggers and put safeguards in place to avoid acting out.

Here’s an example of what a typical accountability contract might include:

My commitments:

• I will not delete browsing history or password-protect any internet devices
• I will not travel away overnight for work for the next six months
• I will only use internet-enabled devices in shared spaces
• I will keep my mobile phone accessible and on loud
• I will continue regular therapy and attend support groups
• I will use a shared online diary for all appointments and events
• I will not make purchases over £50 without mutual agreement
• I will have no contact with any past acting-out partners
• If contacted by a previous partner, I will inform you immediately
• If I’m more than 15 minutes late home, I will notify you

These types of agreements can be revisited and adapted over time. What matters most is that they’re followed through with honesty and consistency.

Reasons to leave

There are also times when leaving may be the healthiest decision. If your partner refuses to take responsibility, denies the addiction or shows no interest in recovery, it may be a sign that the relationship cannot move forward in a safe or respectful way.

Here are some key questions to reflect on:

• Do you still love one another?
• Do you enjoy each other’s company?
• Do you share the same goals for the future?
• Do you want to forgive your partner, and can they forgive themselves?
• Do you respect each other?
• Is there violence or abuse present in the relationship?
• Was the relationship difficult even before the disclosure/discovery?
• Are you afraid of being alone, or waiting for someone better to come along?
• Do you know why you want to leave or why you want to stay?

These are deeply personal questions and there’s no right or wrong answer. What matters is that you feel clear, grounded, and informed before making a decision.

Take the time you need

Deciding whether to stay or leave is not something you need to figure out overnight. It’s okay to move slowly. It’s okay to feel unsure. This is a journey, and you deserve to make decisions that honour your healing, safety, and future.

In our next blog, we’ll look at how couples can begin to rebuild their relationship after betrayal – if they choose to move forward together.

Additional resources

For a comprehensive guide on how to manage and survive this difficult time, why not take a look at our new Pivotal For Partners course. One recent user gave this feedback:

“You will be grateful to have listed to and done this course. It is so validating. So many times as I was listening, I thought ‘how could you know I’d be feeling like that’ which is super helpful to know I am not alone in the way I have reacted or felt. It’s worth it, you’re worth it.”

Otherwise, we recommend Dr Paula Hall’s books:

Sex Addiction: The Partner’s Perspective

Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples