Recovery can be lonely: why we’ve launched the Pivotal Recovery Forum
One of the greatest strengths of Pivotal Recovery has always been its anonymity. You can access our programmes privately, in your own time and at your own pace. You don’t have to tell anyone why you’re there and you don’t have to sit in a room and talk about things you may not yet feel ready to share. But there can be a downside to doing recovery alone. It can be lonely.
That’s why we’ve launched the Pivotal Recovery Forum, a private online community for people using our flagship 60-day recovery programmes and our Pivotal for Partners programme.
Why connection matters in recovery
Compulsive sexual behaviour and problematic pornography use often develop and continue in secrecy. The behaviour itself is almost always solitary and hidden and unlikely to be spoken about with anyone.
When you’ve spent months or years hiding something, it’s very easy to believe you’re the only person who has done the things you’ve done, thought the things you’ve thought and hurt the people you love most in the world. And the more isolated you feel, the more likely you are to feel shame. And shame tells you that other people wouldn’t understand. Worse, it tells you that if they really knew you, they would judge or reject you.
One of the most powerful antidotes to that isolation is discovering that you’re not alone. Other people may not have exactly the same story, but they recognise the feelings. They understand the promises to stop, the frustration when those promises are broken, the fear about the future and the challenge of trying to create lasting change. Sometimes simply reading someone else say, “I’ve been there too”, can make the road ahead feel a little less lonely.
Partners can feel just as alone
For partners, the isolation can be every bit as profound, although for very different reasons. Discovering your partner has been hiding sexual behaviour or porn use can turn your world upside down. And yet, while you’re trying to make sense of what has happened, everyday life continues. You may still be going to work, looking after children, seeing friends and attending family occasions while putting on a brave face and pretending everything is fine.
Who do you tell?
Many partners feel they have no one to talk to. They’re often frightened of being judged, or hearing ‘Surely you must have known?’. Some worry that friends or family will immediately tell them to leave when they don’t know themselves what they want to do. Others fear that if they stay, people will think they are weak or foolish. And sometimes the people they do confide in simply don’t understand why discovering compulsive pornography use or other hidden sexual behaviours can have such a profound impact. They may dismiss it as ‘just porn’ or assume it’s the same as discovering an affair.
Talking to other partners breaks the feelings of isolation and fear. Other partners understand the confusion, anger, grief and constant questioning. They understand that you can love someone and be furious with them; want the relationship to survive one day and want to walk away the next. Perhaps most importantly, other partners can help bring the focus back to you.
After discovery, it’s easy for life to become consumed by what your partner is doing. Are they telling the truth? Are they really in recovery? What are they doing on their phone? Are they going to therapy? Will they do it again? Connecting with other partners can help shift the question from “How do I make sure they recover?” to “What do I need to feel safe, stable and supported?”
Connection doesn’t mean telling everyone everything
Recovery doesn’t mean telling everybody your story. Nor does joining a forum mean you suddenly have to share things you’re not comfortable sharing. Some people will want to post questions, share experiences and join conversations. Others may initially prefer simply to read and discover that other people have similar questions and experiences. Both can reduce that sense of being alone.
The Pivotal Recovery Forum provides an anonymous space to ask questions, exchange experiences and encourage others who are travelling a similar road. It isn’t therapy and other members can’t tell you what you should do. Recovery is different for everyone. But shared experience can offer perspective, encouragement and, importantly, hope.
From learning about recovery to doing it with others
Our free Foundations course was created to make reliable information about porn addiction available to anyone who needs it. For many people, it is the first opportunity they have had to understand what may be happening and what recovery might involve. But Foundations is just that – a foundation.
Our flag-ship 60-day recovery programme take that work much further, providing a structured recovery journey with daily learning, reflection and practical exercises. And now they offer something else too – access to the Pivotal Recovery Forum.
We wanted to add the forum because information and exercises are important, but recovery is also about connection. There is something uniquely reassuring about discovering that other people understand the road you are travelling because they are travelling it too.
If you have completed Foundations and are wondering whether to take the next step, the forum is another reason to continue with Pivotal’s full programme. You can still work privately, anonymously and at your own pace. You just don’t have to do it entirely on your own.