Establishing confident recovery from sex and porn addiction – Part Three

We’re at the final step of our ‘Establishing Confident Recovery’ series which focusses on how you can move forward with your life and ‘stay stopped’ when it comes to unwanted sexual behaviours and porn addiction. Last month in Part Two, we talked about how to deal with uncomfortable emotions, and in this final blog, we’re going to look at some of the major blocks to recovery like psychological issues, faulty core beliefs, unforgiveness and abundant opportunity.

Overcome blocks to recovery from porn and sex addiction

In recovery from sex and porn addiction, it’s inevitable that occasional slips will occur, but if we’re experiencing regular slips or lengthy relapses, it’s likely a sign that something deeper is going on which is blocking our long-term recovery. It may be that there is an unresolved psychological issue such as complex trauma, or perhaps a faulty core belief like “I can’t change” hasn’t been sufficiently addressed and needs revisiting and correcting. If there is an overall lack of motivation or commitment to recovery, we may need to return to step 2 of the CHOICE recovery model – Having a vision – where we can develop our vision further or reassess it entirely. It could also be that there is still some confusion around step 4 – Identifying positive sexuality – and we need to reestablish what that means and looks like to us. It may indeed be a combination of all the above.

Ultimately, as cliché as it may sound, recovery is a journey and as they often say in support groups, the goal is progress, not perfection. If you’re finding that you’re constantly falling into old habits, don’t be afraid to keep revisiting those key recovery steps if you need to, reevaluate and try again. You can do this as many times as you need.

The impact of unforgiveness on recovery

Unforgiveness is a particularly painful and complex block to recovery as it is deeply connected to feelings of shame and betrayal in both the individual struggling with addiction and those who love them. It may be that you cannot forgive yourself for your behaviour or indeed, your partner may be hurting and struggling to forgive you.

A common misunderstanding about forgiveness in these circumstances is that the act of forgiving someone (or indeed yourself) constitutes as being ‘let off the hook.’ It’s a way of giving someone, or yourself, a ‘free pass’ and minimising the behaviour or betrayal. This is simply not the case. Forgiveness does not mean the betrayal will be forgotten, erased, or that work on rebuilding relationships and self-esteem has concluded. On the contrary, it makes space and frees energy for that work to begin. Living in a perpetual state of shame or punishment, whether self-inflicted or forced upon you by a hurt loved one, will ultimately make the chances of sustaining long-term recovery much slimmer. Forgiveness should be a fundamental part of anyone’s recovery journey but, alas, it is unlikely to come easily.

Make no mistake, forgiveness, especially in the context of sex and porn addiction, is hard work. It takes time and, ideally, professional help through therapy. Furthermore, you’ll need to keep working on it and forgiving yourself, and each other, over and over again throughout your recovery. Sometimes the work of forgiveness feels too overwhelming depending on what stage we’re at in the journey. When we feel like this, it can help to break down forgiveness into smaller pieces that are easier to accept and embrace. Perhaps we can’t forgive ourselves or our partner for everything right away, but the chances are we can forgive certain events or behaviours, bit by bit, until the task doesn’t seem so hard.

It will take time, a great deal of patience and a whole lot of courage and empathy, but forgiveness can be achieved, our self-esteem restored, and our relationships made stronger.

The abundance of opportunity in sex addiction

The last (but by no means least) block to recovery is the ultimate, unavoidable problem – opportunity. Many people with sex and porn addiction talk about going months or even years without a craving or even thinking about their addiction, until an unexpected opportunity came and knocked at their door. Perhaps the house was empty, and someone had left their unprotected laptop sitting on the side. Or maybe an old flame had sent a message out of the blue and it was clear that no-strings-attached sex was on the table. When opportunity strikes, even the strongest resolve can disappear and endless cognitive distortions can flood the mind, along with euphoric recall of how fantastic acting out used to feel. For some, this may result in acting out, and for many this can leave them feeling their recovery is not as stable as they thought it was.

When opportunity stares us in the face like this and we struggle to fight temptation, it’s essential to remember that being tempted or triggered is not the same as acting out. As long as we don’t engage in those behaviours that we chose to leave behind us, then our recovery is intact. Regrettably, we can’t choose not to crave, but temptation does not equal failure. However, if there are repeated temptations, then it may be wise to double up on recovery activities like the ones we discussed in Part One, such as connecting with others and perhaps returning to therapy or a support group.

Opportunity will always be there, whether we like it or not, which means triggers will be as well, but acting on them doesn’t have to be an inevitability. Change is possible and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Remember, you are not defined by your relapses, but by your decision to remain in recovery despite them.

And now we’ve come to the end of this blog series on ‘Establishing Confident Recovery,’ the final part of Pivotal Recovery’s CHOICE Recovery model. But for anyone struggling with compulsive sexual behaviours or porn/sex addiction, the story is far from over. The reality is this final step is misleading as there can never really be a conclusion or ‘finale’ to recovery from addiction. Recovery is a choice, and we must make it again and again, every single day. A choice to work through and overcome childhood difficulties, trauma, triggers, and blocks. A choice to learn, grow, and develop healthy relationships and a positive sex life that brings us joy. A choice to lead a fulfilling, happy life where unwanted behaviours no longer serve a purpose.

If you’re currently enjoying the rewards of sustained recovery from sex and porn addiction, then I congratulate you and wish you all the best in your continued journey. However, if reading this has resonated with you as you struggle to establish long-term, confident recovery, why not try our free Pivotal Recovery Taster Course and see if this programme might help you get to where you want to be in your life. You can also read some of our reviews here or reach out via our contact form.