Shame in sex and porn addiction
Shame is probably one of the most painful and devastating consequences of sex and porn addiction, and it can be one of the greatest barriers to recovery. But where does it come from and how can we overcome it?
In sex and porn addiction, shame can come in many different forms. Some feel ashamed of specific behaviours if they go against their values or beliefs, or perhaps it’s the shame of leading a double life and lying to loved ones. The shame may come from feeling too weak to break the cycle of addiction and failing to live up to your own intentions and expectations. Or, indeed, all the above. Contrary to the beliefs of some, these feelings of shame rarely come from any ethical or anti-sex perspective. Indeed, many people have no moral objections to watching pornography or using sex-workers. The problem arrives when we feel out of control and prioritise our unwanted sexual behaviours over important parts of our life like family, partners, friends and even your work or finances.
Many people suffering with sex and porn addiction have issues with shame that stem from childhood. They may have learnt early on to keep secrets and cover up negative feelings if that is how their family dealt with challenges, or they may have felt shame at an early age through their parents’ style of discipline or from experiencing discrimination. However it started, both secrets and shame set up the framework for leading a double life and keeping part of ourselves hidden from those we love and who love us.
The difference between shame and guilt
Shame, unlike guilt, stems from the belief that “I am bad”, rather than, “I have done something bad,” and this plays a huge part in relapse. If you feel shame after acting out, the desire to alleviate that shame by acting out again becomes greater and of course, this simply perpetuates the cycle of addiction as it only creates more shame. Research suggests that shame itself can become a trigger and is likely to increase acting out, whereas guilt can be used as motivator for positive change.
Recovery is simply not possible if we’re trapped in the depths of shame, so it’s important to reduce these feelings and show ourselves some compassion. If you believe that you must bear your shame as some kind of punishment for your behaviours or as a way of taking responsibility, this is built on a faulty core belief that is keeping you trapped in your addiction. We can take responsibility for our actions without absorbing the pain deep in our soul where it festers into shame – we can say, “I did something bad” – in fact, we can say it many times – but it doesn’t mean that we ‘are’ bad.
How to reduce shame
One of the most effective ways to reduce shame is by connecting with others which is why group work and 12-step meetings are often so powerful. Shame thrives in secrecy and when we speak it aloud and are greeted with empathy, it withers away. So, whilst you may not be ready or able to take part in groupwork, consider whether there is someone you trust who you could share your struggles with.
Like addiction, shame is a choice, and no one has to live with shame. We can let go of shame, bit by bit, and learn to love ourselves again and live a life free of sex addiction.
We talk about the impact of shame in sex and porn addiction within the Pivotal Recovery course and introduce ways to overcome it, as well as many other obstacles to recovery. If you’re ready to take the next step towards a healthier, shame-free future, sign up today by clicking here.